My room smells like vodka and shame
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
