Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I love you. Go after that dick
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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