why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
