I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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