my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
