I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
