You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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