Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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