his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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