you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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