you traded sex for a burrito?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i need some magic done to my vagina
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
