I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
