Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
