3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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