so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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