When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
