Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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