and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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