There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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