Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
