Yo dont text me then not text me
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
