I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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