you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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