Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
