I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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