I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
