the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
