you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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