the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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