He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
