Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
