My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she pinky promised me she was 18
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Well I just put wine in my tea
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
