I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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