I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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