I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Is Oprah even human
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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