every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
