im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
