Banned from zoo.
Again?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
