we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
