I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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