I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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