Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
