remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
