Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize