Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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