i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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