the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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