I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
