taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
