there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
