My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
