Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
