We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
