Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
