Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
