i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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