ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
