I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
