yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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